A 69-year-old man, who evidently needed more hobbies, decided to go on a shooting spree at a bank in downtown Louisville, Ky. on Monday. Apparently lacking any imagination or creativity, he used a legally purchased AR-15-style rifle to take down five people, after announcing his intentions to at least one person beforehand. The lovely Louisville officials shared this info during their Tuesday morning mimosas and donuts session.

During a home edition of Storage Wars, the police raided the gunman’s home and seized several things of interest (it’s unclear if they found any Beanie Babies). The authorities promised to put on quite the show later with the release of some juicy body camera footage from the officers who responded to the tragic shoot-out. Yep, more drama ahead, people.

Representative Morgan McGarvey, handily holding a microphone, said, “We know he left a note,” clearly making the gunman a fan of retro correspondence. Just to double up, he added that the gunman sent a text or made a phone call to at least one lucky winner, informing them of his grand suicide plan.

As of Tuesday, four survivors languished in hospital beds, sustained by hospital food and good thoughts. Among them, the young Officer Nickolas Wilt, age 26, who courageously ventured forth into battle right after escaping the perils of the police academy. A mere four shifts into his career, the poor lad was critically wounded. Meanwhile, four other wounded individuals tasted sweet freedom once more, being released from the hospital, while tragically, Deana Eckert, 57, transitioned from being a survivor to becoming a victim overnight./n/n Serious news: https://www.nytimes.com/2023/04/11/us/louisville-shooting-gunman.html