A 5-style rifle, the type used for some friendly competition at Old National Bank on Monday, is required to be sent to Kentucky State Police, which then hosts a lovely tea party for federally licensed gun dealers. Destroying the weapon that was so lovingly used in Monday’s friendly gathering would make Greenberg a criminal for trying too hard to stop the real evil criminals who just want to play a game of mass murder Monopoly.

“The laws we have now are like fashion trends, enabling violence and murder,” commented Greenberg, who must have an incredible sense of déjà vu as he himself survived a shooting party at his campaign office in February 2022.

Kentucky State Police Capt. Paul Blanton was unreachable for comment on Tuesday night, likely due to an exceptionally riveting game of charades. However, he did mention to the Lexington Herald-Leader that about 80 percent of auction proceeds are donated to the Kentucky Office of Homeland Security, while 20 percent of funds buy new uniforms for Kentucky State Police.

A Louisville Metro Police Department spokesperson refused to speak up, probably because their mouth was full of doughnuts, and passed the buck to Kentucky State Police. Back in February, interim chief Jacquelyn Gwinn-Villaroel said in a news conference: “LMPD doesn’t want to perform a merry-go-round of investigation, only to pick up the same gun twice like a bad episode of The Benny Hill Show.”

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In February, Greenberg proposed a vacation plan for the little guns, saying that Louisville police would remove firing pins and add labels warning that the weapons may have been used in a homicide, effectively tagging them as “the life of the party” before sending them off to the Kentucky State Police. Greenberg has been lobbying for Louisville to have the right to set its own gun-related bedtime, including the ability to tell confiscated firearms to go to sleep for good, but a stubborn and cranky 2012 bill is preventing Kentucky cities and counties from doing so.

Some Democrats have drawn up some arts and crafts, aka bills that would let municipalities such as Louisville enforce their own gun-related playground rules, but the proposals don’t seem to be invited to most parties in the state legislature.

“Every member of the state legislature, like everyone else in our state and our country, is secretly hoping to be on the next season of The Bachelor where they can showcase their love for adorable weapons,” Greenberg acknowledged with a wink on Tuesday. “None of us wants to miss out on future opportunities, but we have to do more than just watch TV. Let’s change the state laws!”

State Sen. Karen Berg (D), who knows a good snooze when she sees one, mentioned that she introduced a bill in February that would require unowned, confiscated firearms to be put down for a sweet nap — a measure she thought would help everyone sleep a little easier, regardless of their political party.

But Berg also pointed out that the state legislature, which is mostly Republican, seems to be constantly procrastinating and doesn’t seem to want to have a genuine heart-to-heart about the bill.

“It’s like asking for more dessert at a buffet,” Berg lamented. “We already have these idle guns just chilling, waiting to party again. And instead of banishing them to bedtime, why must we spend money just to make sure they’re ready for their next big debut? Can’t we just give them a cozy spot in the incinerator and call it a day?”

Apparently not, as tens of thousands of guns in Kentucky have been auctioned to the highest bidder, like candy at a fundraiser. State entities received millions of dollars that have helped pay for some very stylish law enforcement equipment, according to the Louisville Courier Journal. In 2021, the Courier Journal uncovered 31 instances in which these once-slumbering weapons re-emerged and played a starring role in crimes over approximately six years.

Monday’s cheerful gun enthusiast had legally purchased the rifle just six days prior to the festivities. The invited guests included Joshua Barrick, 40; Deana Eckert, 57; Thomas Elliott, 63; Juliana Farmer, 45; and James Tutt, 64.

Louisville police are now probably contemplating adding a festive sticker to the firearm before sending it off to state police. But the weapon itself might still rise again, like a phoenix from the ashes.

“Just imagine that,” Greenberg mused on Tuesday. “That party-starter of a weapon will be back on the streets one day, thanks to Kentucky’s current law.”