Breaking news: a major security breach has occurred in the Pentagon! Highly classified documents were leaked, endangering intelligence methods, exposing American strategy, and breaking trust among allies. Yikes! But don’t worry, they caught the culprit: a 21-year-old member of the Massachusetts Air National Guard named Jack Teixeira. And can we just say, Jack, what were you thinking?! Going around leaking classified documents like this is not how you impress your boss or earn a promotion.

This leak has shaken America’s control over its most valuable secrets. Like, seriously, guys, it’s not hard! Just keep those secrets secret, and everything will be fine. But now, America’s best-kept secrets are out, and everyone knows what we’re up to. It’s like we’re playing a game of “I Spy,” but instead of playing with our friends, we’re playing with the whole world. And we’re losing.

The information included spying on Russia’s war efforts in Ukraine and top-secret details about Ukraine’s combat power. And now Russia knows how we’re gathering that information, which makes those sources at risk. Come on, Jack, what did we tell you? Keep your mouth shut and your computer locked.

But wait, there’s more! The documents also contained intelligence gathering on American allies, including South Korea and Israel. We’re not just talking about exposing our own secrets here, people! Now our friends don’t trust us either! It’s like a bad school project where you get a failing grade and the teacher writes in red ink, “You need to work on your group communication skills.”

And to top it all off, the leak was so bad that some of the documents could have been out for as much as a year before the U.S. defense department caught on. It’s like we weren’t even trying! We may as well have posted the information on a billboard in Times Square. “Hey, Russia! Check out what we’ve got on you!”

The leak was so bad that even former CIA officer Marty Martin thinks we’re pathetic. This guy led the CIA team that tracked down Osama bin Laden and numerous other Al Qaeda operatives, so he knows what he’s talking about! Marty thinks that the government’s policy on combining all intelligence data in 2002-2003 led us down this path. Well, at least someone figured it out. Better late than never, right?

The consequence of all of this is that our allies can’t trust us. It’s like when you tell your best friend a secret and then they blab it to everyone else. It’s just not cool, man. Now everyone’s talking to the Chinese and the Saudis are talking to Iran. We’ve become that kid at the playground who nobody wants to play with anymore. Thanks, Jack.

In conclusion, we need to get our act together. This kind of leak is unacceptable, and we need to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Or at least not until we’ve all retired and moved to a tropical island somewhere. Maybe then it won’t matter.

Serious News: cnbc