Hold onto your hats, folks! We’ve got some seriously juicy news coming in from the big banks. But before we get into it, let me introduce you to our new, exhilarating daily newsletter, CNBC Daily Open. Get ready to be informed and entertained, no matter where you are. If you like what you see, don’t forget to subscribe!

Alrighty, back to the big news. The big banks’ earnings are through the roof – cha-ching, cha-ching! It’s raining money, people! JPMorgan is crushing it with $39.34 billion in revenue, a mind-blowing 25% increase from the previous year. Meanwhile, Wells Fargo’s revenue popped up 17% and Citi’s rose a respectable 12%. Cue the applause, folks!

And what’s the secret to their success, you ask? Drumroll, please… rising interest rates! That’s right, folks. The banks have been charging more for loans, while keeping the interest on saving accounts low – talk about a sweet deal. JPMorgan even predicted they’ll make an extra $7 billion in net interest income – woohoo!

BUT… and there’s always a ‘but,’ isn’t there? High interest rates are a double-edged sword, my friends. They expose weaknesses in balance sheets, which is why Dimon himself warned us about skyrocketing rates. So, while big banks are making it rain, regional banks might not be so lucky. Yikes!

And as it turns out, while the big banks’ earnings are booming, the economy is slowing down. Retail sales in March declined by a whopping 1%, which is twice as much as economists predicted. Citigroup CEO Jane Fraser even mentioned a “notable softening” in consumer spending this year. Hmmm, maybe we shouldn’t be popping those champagne bottles just yet…

So, what’s the verdict? Well, investors are keeping a cool head (shocker!) and the three major indexes are falling. The S&P 500 lost 0.21%, the Dow Jones Industrial Index slid 0.42%, and the Nasdaq Composite fell 0.35%. Ouch.

But wait, there’s more! We’ve got some other key reports coming up this week from Charles Schwab on Monday to Procter & Gamble on Friday. That should give us a better idea of what’s really going on in the market. Is this prosperous corporate America just a fluke? Or is it a symptom of our weirdly unpredictable times? Only time will tell, folks. Don’t forget to subscribe to CNBC Daily Open to be in the know!

Serious News: cnbc