Meet the near-old accountant from the Kherson region who went on a wild and crazy adventure – surviving five whole days in a Russian torture chamber! No word on what she did to deserve such a wild ride, but she must have been living life to the fullest to have ended up in a place like that. Her name wasn’t revealed, which is probably for the best considering her, uh, interesting pastime.
Members of the House committee were totally getting in on the (uncomfortable) action, growing visibly emotional as they listened to her harrowing tale. You know things have gotten real serious when those politicians start feeling feelings!
Inside the torture chamber, it was like one of those weird nightmare mazes at a creepy carnival – she was stripped down, cut up with knives, and even faced threats of rape and death. Plus, the cherry on top of this fun experience was a good ol’ fashioned mock execution. Geez, someone call the cotton candy man, ’cause this sounds like a total fairytale!
The Russian soldiers who put her through all these wacky shenanigans really outdid themselves when they forced her to dig her own grave. That’s like the ultimate prank – except, you know, with actual consequences. Just when you thought this story couldn’t get kookier, they beat her and pulled the trigger of a handgun right next to her head. But don’t worry, folks! She managed to escape to Ukrainian-held territory, and even made her way to the good old U.S. of A., where her daughter lives. That’s one way to avoid a bad Yelp review.
But wait, there’s more! A second survivor, a 16-year-old boy named Roman, also had a weird journey that unfortunately wasn’t nearly as adventurous as the accountant’s. He was just trying to go to school when good old Mother Russia decided to invade. Roman couldn’t hang with their antics, so he walked 37 miles in winter weather to get home. Just a casual stroll in the park!
When he got to his hometown, things really went off the rails. Despite his pleas to stay with his siblings, he was given a brand new birth certificate and sent to Russia. Yeah, we’re not really sure how that makes sense either. Roman was then featured on Russian propaganda, where he was made to say he liked his new family and his new life. That’s like someone posting a fake Instagram story for you, but instead of being mildly annoying, it’s a full-blown international incident.
Roman eventually made his way back to Ukraine – no word on whether he walked again or if he got lucky and got an Airstream – and the prosecutor general of Ukraine addressed a House committee to urge increased international pressure on Russia to stop stealing their children. He even called this a “global war,” so get your popcorn and hope you don’t end up in the next installment of this wild and crazy story.
Luckily, the United States is trying to help Ukraine prosecute potential Russian war crimes. In fact, Attorney General Merrick B. Garland himself is on the case, appointing a prosecutor and legal adviser to help Ukraine achieve justice for its people. It’s like a real-life Law & Order spin-off, but with more international drama and fewer ripped-from-the-headlines stories.
Serious News: nytimes
