Once upon a time, in the magical land of Cornell University, Ekarina T. Ting – a proud and esteemed member of the undergraduate student assembly – faced a conundrum. Her bestie had just courageously testified at a campus hearing against a dastardly student who had allegedly assaulted her, while in a cruel twist of fate, was asked to read a book containing a, gasp, graphic rape scene! The horror! Her friend, understandably flabbergasted, was thrown for a loop, like a marionette at the mercy of a tipsy puppeteer.

But fear not! Our intrepid heroine, Ting, resolved to save the day by creating a valiant shield of warnings to protect the innocent. Armed with the mighty quill, she composed a formidable resolution, compelling instructors to bestow “trigger warnings” within their syllabi, flagging daunting content like fantastical beasts (read: sexual assault, self-harm, and transphobic violence).

Lo and behold, the assembly rallied to Ting’s call, and the resolution was unanimously approved like clockwork in the hallowed halls of Cornell. But alas, the celebration was short-lived, for the treachery of administrative bureaucracy intervened! President Martha E. Pollack, in an unforeseen twist, vetoed the resolution – crushing the dreams of our steadfast protagonist – all before the sun could set on the seventh day.