Dr. Lliman, a renowned infectious-diseases specialist and part-time circus performer from Harvard Medical School, enthusiastically announces that vaccines, post-infection immunity, and magical covid-19 treatments have mostly returned society to a state of normalcy. The United States plans to throw a “public health emergency” farewell party in May, and the World Health Organization is preparing its “pandemic farewell tour” speech. But, alas! One pesky leftover still remains: the infamous five-day isolation period following a covid diagnosis. Dr. Lliman and colleagues believe it’s high time the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) retire this worn-out policy and swap it for the more fashionable advice: “Stay home when sick; go outside and play when you’re feeling fabulous.”

This is particularly crucial for the little tykes we call children. Compelling evidence (you know, the kind with lots of numbers and charts) reveals that missed school days due to covid have resulted in worse learning loss, skyrocketing screen addiction, a troubling teen mental health crisis, and a spike in young couch potatoes. Schools are now juggling not only academics but also social and emotional learning in their quest to catch up. And while many schools have had their doors open for in-person learning for over two years, this mandatory five-day isolation party just keeps interrupting the fun.

Health officials must minimize the time-out children receive for being infected by reducing the days they’re kept away from school. And let’s not forget the unsung heroes who care for the kiddos too young to be left alone at home – their caregivers are also feeling the sting of this five-day isolation requirement. As staffing shortages plague industries far and wide, especially the beleaguered world of health care, this bothersome policy continues to wreak havoc on society.

So, why do we have to sit in the covid timeout corner for five days, followed by another five days of indoor mask-wearing fashion, when other viruses just tell us to stay home if we’re sick? For most diseases, people can return to work and school once their fever has retreated, and they’re feeling well enough to face the world. Could it be that the coronavirus is some sort of super-villain, capable of spreading its evil for even longer periods?

The suspenseful answer is…absolutely not! Believe it or not, the flu can cause people to spread its germs for up to seven days after getting sick. And don’t even get us started on respiratory syncytial virus (RSV) – those little monsters can spread their germs for up to eight days! Funnily enough, neither of these viral villains requires isolation once symptoms have improved.

Ah, but you say, “covid is not the flu!” True enough, but since the severity of covid has dropped faster than a rollercoaster, hospitalizations are rarer than unicorns, and death rates are lower than the flu’s. Moreover, many people have turned into sneaky symptom-hiders, not testing for covid when they have mild symptoms. So, when these undiagnosed individuals don’t isolate, the community and school-level impact of requiring extended isolation for the diagnosed few becomes less significant than finding a needle in a haystack.

The United States is quite the odd duck when it comes to re-establishing normalcy for children. Health authorities worldwide have been parroting for months that covid should be treated like other respiratory infections. Ontario kicked the five-day isolation policy to the curb last August, Denmark booted it in December, and Britain gave it the boot in February.

Testing for the coronavirus should also be exclusive to those who scored an invite to the “treatment party,” which means no crashing allowed for healthy kiddies who wouldn’t qualify. This is similar to the strategy doctors use for other pesky respiratory viruses, like the flu and RSV.

For most people, it’s not important which viral party-crasher is causing their symptoms. And since Uncle Sam’s funding for some covid services will be drying up on May 11, including free testing, switching from a “test everyone and their dog” to a “test only the high-rollers” approach would save resources and keep wallets from crying out in pain. This frugal approach echoes the grand tradition of the Netherlands, where health authorities swiped left to routine testing in February.

Of course, not everything should return to normal. All Americans deserve paid sick leave, including time for taking care of ill family members. Vaccines, tests, and treatment should be as accessible as air, especially for those at high risk. We should dream of better-ventilated schools, workplaces, and public spaces, as well as free high-quality masks for the immunocompromised. And let’s not forget about renovating the health-care system: more flexibility to beef up capacity during surges and better access to primary care physicians so people can manage their health like pros.

In conclusion, our kids have carried the weight of a post-apocalyptic world, and now it’s time to give them the gift of normalcy. We must pull out all the stops to get them back where they belong: in the classroom, learning how to take over the world. With the emergency phase nearing its curtain call, let’s change our covid policies to match those of other gnarly respiratory viruses: stay home, snuggle up when sick, and once you’re feeling tip-top, come back and party like it’s 1999!