Have you ever wanted to see a movie that’s like “The Godfather,” “Under the Tuscan Sun,” and “Eat, Pray, Love” all mashed together? No? Well, too bad, because “Mafia Mamma” exists, and it’s the brainchild of TV writers J. Michael Feldman and Debbie Jhoon. They’ve really outdone themselves with this featherbrained screenplay that manages to be both lumpy and violent, but not in a good way. And to top it all off, it’s directed by Catherine Hardwicke, who made the critically acclaimed “Thirteen” and the box-office smash “Twilight.” What were they thinking, you ask? No clue. But what we do know is that Toni Collette stars as Kristin, a 50-something pharmaceutical marketer who inherits a criminal empire after her Italian grandfather dies. Oh, and did we mention it’s not funny? At all.
Kristin works with a bunch of sexist/ageist pigs, so when she finds out her grandfather has died and she needs to fly to Italy to settle his estate, she initially hesitates. But then she catches her husband having sex with someone else in the basement, and suddenly the trip to Italy seems like a great idea. Once there, she meets a hot younger guy named Lorenzo whose pasta is out of this world. Frankly, that’s probably the most interesting thing about the movie. Oh, and also the fact that Kristin is now the head of the Balbano crime family, which is at war with the rival Romanos. They’ve killed her grandpa, and now they’re after her.
To make matters worse, the movie tries to be funny by relying on tired cliches and stereotypes about Italians, pasta, and sex. There’s a lot of cringe-worthy dialogue about “spicy sausage” and such. The violence is also played for laughs, but it’s not funny either. There are murders galore, and Kristin has to kill a bunch of people in self-defense. Women will probably appreciate the movie’s message about not letting men dictate who you are or what you can do, but that doesn’t make up for the bad writing, directing, and acting. Monica Bellucci is in the movie too, but even she can’t save it.
In the end, everything is wrapped up nice and tidy. Kristin gets divorced, beats the criminal charge against her, and becomes a badass crime boss. It’s just a shame that it takes so many dead bodies and dismembered limbs to get there. The movie is rated R for bloody violence, sexual material, and coarse language, but honestly, it should be rated R for mediocrity. Save your money and go get some actual pasta instead.
