ylazine mix an “emerging threat” that’s wreaking havoc in the animal kingdom. On top of that, abortions have dropped more than your uncle’s bad jokes at the Christmas dinner table since the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade. But hold onto your hats, because there’s more…
The Biden administration prepares a legal battle without getting on the courts’ bad side
The Biden administration is tip-toeing around the courts like they’re a sleeping lion, promising abortion rights activists that they’re going to go full gladiator to keep access to that popular abortion pill.
Since a federal judge threw a wrench in their plans, Biden officials have been on the blower with abortion rights groups, trading some top-secret gossip. At the same time, those sneaky fed health officials have been hatching contingency plans like they’re preparing for the zombie apocalypse.
So, where does all of this leave dear ol’ Pres. Biden? Stuck between a rock and his promises, that’s where. While some critics are telling the administration to throw caution to the wind and ignore the court ruling, the White House is standing firm like a stubborn toddler, refusing to give in.
The details
Administration officials have been chatting it up with abortion rights groups like high schoolers on a Friday night, making it clear they’re not backing down. They’re just waiting for the right moment to strike like a snake in the grass.
Meanwhile, health officials have braced themselves for the ruling, like that friend who always brings an umbrella, just in case. They’ve been hatching plans for months, so chances are they’ve got a few tricks up their sleeves.
What’s next
If a higher court doesn’t swoop in and save the day, the mifepristone saga could turn into a legal and political party nobody wants to attend. And we all know what happens when legal matters get involved…it’s time for some serious chit-chat between Danco Laboratories, the manufacturers of the drug, and the FDA.
Adding insult to injury, some liberal lawmakers are throwing shade at the administration for refusing to declare they won’t tattle on drugmakers and distributors who provide mifepristone. They reckon the FDA has more wiggle room than people realize, citing their amazing agility during the coronavirus pandemic.
While you were snoozing…
An anti-abortion group, determined not to be left out of the party, asked a federal appeals court to allow a lower court’s ruling that would pull the drug off the market. Basically, they’re playing the “I don’t want any harm on the public” card, despite other groups and health officials insisting the drug is safe.
White House prescriptions
The Biden administration has slapped an “emerging threat” label on fentanyl mixed with a powerful animal sedative called xylazine. It’s called “tranq” on the streets, and it causes some gnarly flesh wounds and turns users into zombies. Not exactly the most appealing cocktail, right?
Reproductive wars
Since the Supreme Court stuck its nose in, the number of legal abortions in the US fell by about 5,377 per month from July to December 2022. Surprisingly, in states where abortions remain legal, the average number of terminated pregnancies went up just a smidge, while virtual clinics saw a spike in telehealth abortions.
In other health news
The Justice Department is like that kid who won’t give up on the argument, asking a federal appeals court to pump the brakes on that controversial ruling until they have a chance to appeal. Rep. Jennifer Wexton (D-Va.) announced she has Parkinson’s, but she’s feeling better than your grandpa after his morning coffee.
Lastly, make sure you’re practicing safe fun, folks, because syphilis rates have reached their highest levels in over 70 years in 2021. Looks like a pandemic isn’t enough to slow down the lovin’.
And that’s our daily scoop of humor-infused news! Catch ya on the flip side!
