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Stephen Colbert’s Fox News Lie-Detecting Superpowers: Active!

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So, apparently, there’s been a bit of a leak. A Massachusetts Air National Guardsman has spilled the beans on some classified documents. And get this, he’s part of a chatroom group who are all obsessed with guns and military gear. Can you imagine? Just a bunch of guys chatting about how they can’t wait to get their hands on the latest weapon to hit the market. It’s like Comic-Con for gun enthusiasts.

Now, you may be thinking, “well, it’s always the quiet ones, isn’t it?” But in this case, it’s just some lonely young man who got caught up in the excitement. According to James Corden, “This isn’t one of those times.” Sorry to disappoint you, James.

The leaker, Teixeira, was taken into custody in Massachusetts, where apparently he was just chilling on his porch reading a book. And get this, the book he was reading was called “Solitary Confinement for Dummies.” I mean, come on, Teixeira, you didn’t think that would look suspicious?

Teixeira is now potentially facing charges under the Espionage Act, which could get him up to 10 years in prison per document. I mean, that’s a long time. Unless, of course, Teixeira has the power to declassify documents with his mind, like Donald Trump apparently does. In that case, he’s home free.

It’s kind of sad, really. Teixeira is only 21 years old, and he’s devastated that this mistake could cost him his future. But on the bright side, he’s pretty thrilled that he posted something online and it went viral. You know, like that cute video of a puppy getting stuck in a sock.

And get this, Teixeira posted some of the documents in a chatroom for gamers. I mean, I don’t even know how that works. Do you write, “hey guys, how do I win in Fortnite?” and someone responds with, “I don’t know, but here are some satellite images of Ukraine?” It’s like the gamer equivalent of sharing a meal on Instagram.

Serious News: nytimes

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