Once upon a time, there was an old man in Japan who had a near-death experience. You see, someone tried to shoot him! It wasn’t just any someone, though. The gunman, Tetsuya Yamagami, claimed that the old man had links to the Unification Church. Yikes, sounds like a real conspiracy theory in the making.

After the shooting, things got real serious real fast. The officials went into full gear to protect the other old man, whose name is apparently Kishida. He was campaigning for his party’s candidates, you know, doing the democratic thing. But with all the shooting and whatnot, the officials couldn’t take any chances. So, they made Kishida give speeches from an elevated platform, like he’s some kind of rock star. They even had metal detectors for the attendees. Talk about high-security alert.

But guess what? All the security measures and precautions still didn’t deter the bad guys. Yup, last Saturday, someone tried to attack Kishida again. Seriously, what’s with these guys and their obsession with old men? I mean, come on, leave the poor old dudes alone. We need them for their wisdom and experience.

As usual, there’s not a whole lot of information about the security measures in place during the attempted attack. Did the officials forget to bring their crystal balls to work? The reporters in Seoul and Tokyo are busy trying to uncover more details. I mean, it’s important stuff. We need to know if Kishida will have to perform acrobatics in his next speech or call in the army for backup. Let’s hope for the best and leave the old dude alone, shall we?

Serious News: washingtonpost