Ah, yes. Performing students. The overachieving, high-achievers who have federal officials quaking in their boots. Apparently, these students are causing such a stir, that the officials are considering rewriting test questions to specifically target what they’re missing. Because, you know, we can’t have these little show-offs getting ahead too quickly.

It’s as if these performing students think they’re better than the rest of us. But no worries, the feds are onto them. They’re going to make sure these students can’t hide their weaknesses behind their flashy performances anymore. If anyone’s going to be the top dog, it’s going to be the ones who have memorized textbooks cover-to-cover, not the ones who can juggle while reciting the Pythagorean theorem.

I mean, really. Who do these overachievers think they are? Entertaining us with their musicals and stand-up routines, while the rest of us are struggling to even stay awake during the lesson. It’s enough to make us roll our eyes and mutter “oh, great, another song-and-dance number.”

But fear not, non-performing students. The feds are on your side. They’re going to make sure that those pesky performing students aren’t getting any special treatment. It’s time for us to reclaim our spot at the top of the class, where we belong.

So if you’re one of these performing students, beware. Your days of breezing through tests with your dazzling charisma and engaging performances are numbered. The feds are coming for you, and they’re bringing their red pens with them. You might want to brush up on your textbook knowledge and prepare yourself for a more boring, less entertaining school year. Sorry, folks. It’s time to get serious.

Serious News: nytimes